Shortly after we moved to The Netherlands, we went on a walk alongside a canal with our dog, Agamemnon. We let him off the leash in a grassy area so he could frolic around. Sometimes in the spring and fall, the canals are covered in green algae that LOOKS like a solid surface. Agamemnon was not aware of that phenomenon. He chased a few birds, who flew up into the trees. He chased a duck, who flew to the algae covered water. Agamemnon leapt at the duck, the algae gave in, and he ended up in the cold water. He did not love the experience. At all! That was Agamemnon’s first encounter with shocking disappointment.
Agamemnon’s adventure made me think of times when we believe that certain practices or people can support us, and we are baffled when our needs do not fit their capability for help. The algae did not maliciously give in under his weight. Its history of evolution has led it to its current form—algae can support the weight of flies and mosquitoes, but not Agamemnon’s. When some people fail to support us, often it is not because of ill will or intentional neglect, but rather because they are unable to hold us up. That inability to support is as much a result of their life story and experiences as our needs are a result of ours. The algae cannot be blamed for giving in under Agamemnon’s weight. Also, Agamemnon cannot be blamed or shamed for making the best decision based on the information and experience he possessed at the time. Blaming people around us for lacking the strength necessary to support will not give us the lift that we need. Blaming ourselves for misjudging the weight of our own needs will not get us out of the water.
The shocking disappointment of “mistaking the algae for grass” cannot be soothed away by shame and blame. Focusing on understanding ourselves and others gives us the chance to identify what we need and recognize the practices or people capable of helping. When we accept ourselves and others for who we are, we gain the freedom to turn to the practices and people that can actually buoy us up.